If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
