you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
