I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
