I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
