i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
ok first of all what the fuck
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
