Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
