I'm jealous of your bromance
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
