it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I believe in your delicious
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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