There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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