You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dick very happy bro
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
