i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
