don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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