Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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