I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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