dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
