Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
