mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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