This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
