in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
