ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize