period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
