Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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