My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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