Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
