I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
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Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
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We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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