My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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