Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
