someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Operation Purity has been aborted
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
