Will you blow on my dice?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
