I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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