a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
