Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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