Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
