I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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