Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
