I CAN MOONWALK!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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