we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
