Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
