you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
