i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
