I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
