i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
