I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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