When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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