Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
