textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have tasted many bathrooms
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
