that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
