Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
