I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
