when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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