He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
