if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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