How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Is it because I queefed?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
