Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize